by Michael A. Kechula
Harry grabbed his phone and dialed 911.
"Help! I just woke up and found a gigantic jelly donut in my bed."
"Is it threatening you," asked the operator?
"No. It's just laying there."
"Well, there's nothing we can do about non-threatening jelly donuts. Call back if it goes berserk and assaults you, steals something from your house, or threatens your life. Otherwise, we can't do anything about a donut that's just laying there doing nothing. By the way, is it asleep?"
"I don't know."
"Are you close to the donut now?" asked the operator.
"Why don't you see if it's snoring."
Harry checked. "It ain't snoring. Now that I'm looking closely, I ain't even sure if it's a jelly donut."
"Then what is it?"
"It might be a custard donut."
"You don't seem sure about anything. Since it hasn't done anything, no crime has been committed. Without a crime there's nothing we can do. If there's any change - like if it tries to rape you or something, let us know and I'll send a SWAT team."
"What if it's dead?" Harry asked.
"Call a mortuary and have them pick it up."
"What if it's alive and wakes up?"
"If that happens, smile and try to befriend it."
The phone went silent. That's when Harry noticed that a red, jelly-like substance was leaking from the donut and was smeared all over the sheets. Sticking a finger into the gunk, he tasted it. "Hmm," he mumbled, "tastes like strawberry jelly."
Approaching the bed, he said, "Hey, Jelly Donut. Are you sleeping?"
"No," said the donut.
"What the hell are you doing in my bed?"
"I'm pondering the meaning of life.
"You scared the hell outta me. It's not every day a guy wakes up and finds a huge donut in his bed."
"I didn't have much of a choice," said the donut. "I was walking around in the rain last night. I started to get tired. No hotels would accept me. I had to sleep somewhere. When I passed your house, I suddenly got real tired. I figured this place was as good as any. So, I picked the lock on your front door. And here I am."
"Do you realize you're leaking jelly all over my sheets?" Harry asked.
"I know. I'm really sorry. I'll compensate you for any problems I've caused. Well, I guess I'll get going. The sun will be up soon. I want to get an early start. I have places to go, people to see. I really appreciate your hospitality.
The jelly donut got out of bed, put a twenty-dollar bill on a nightstand, and left the bedroom.
Harry was so shocked to see a donut twice his height and width walking on its own, he called 911 again.
"I called ten minutes ago about a jelly donut I found in my bed."
"Oh yes. Has it caused any problems?"
"It leaked sticky jelly on my sheets."
"Making a jelly mess is not a crime in this city."
"I just wanted you to know it got out of bed and walked out of my bedroom under its own power. Just in case you wanna send somebody over to check things out."
"I can't send anybody. We don't wanna be sued for profiling, or violating anyone's rights. The donut might be a member of a protected group. What's the donut's gender?"
"I don't know."
"Didn't you check?"
"No. It didn't even enter my mind."
"Well, maybe you oughta."
"Where should I look?" Harry asked.
"Where you always look to check anybody's gender, although it gets a bit tricky when it comes to jelly donuts. I don't have the time to explain the procedure. The phones are ringing off the hook today. Call back if the donut commits a crime."
Harry caught up the donut as it went down the stairs. He checked its backside to see if it swayed while walking.
It walks like a hula dancer. I can't believe I spent a night with a female jelly donut in my bed. Geez. Wish I'd known sooner. Mighta been fun.
"I'm about to have breakfast," Harry said. "Would you like something to eat before you go?"
"I really shouldn't. I gotta watch my figure."
"I hate to see you hit the road on an empty stomach."
"Well, if you insist."
"What do jelly donuts eat for breakfast?" Harry asked, as they headed for the kitchen. "I've got corn flakes, pancakes, jelly donuts . . . ooops."
"You eat jelly donuts?"
Harry was afraid to respond.
"What kind of jelly donuts do you eat?" asked the donut, shoving Harry against the counter. "C'mon. Speak up!"
"You bastard! Some of my cousins are blueberry jelly donuts," the donut yelled, squirting jelly into Harry's eyes. Harry fell to the floor unconscious.
The donut swallowed him whole.
Unfortunately, Harry discovered something Charles Darwin forgot to mention in his book on evolution: giant jelly donuts are genetic mutations of great white sharks.
Story Copyright © 2007 by Michael A. Kechula. All rights reserved.
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About the author
Michael's flash fiction tales have won first prize in six contests and honorable mention in three others. His stories have appeared in over seventy online and print magazines and anthologies. He's authored two books of flash and micro-fiction: A Deck Full of Zombies—61 Speculative Fiction Tales and Crazy Stories for Crazy People.
He lives in Surprise (yes, really), Arizona.